Warning: I am very open about myself & this might be one of the scariest & most personal things I’ve written but I need to get it out there.
First off I hope you are having an awesome week so far…I’ve had an interesting one so far but I wanted to share with you some (and very personal) updates as to what I’ve been up to, my scattered thoughts and things that I will be releasing soon.
OK so I am not sure how to entirely explain this, but I think depression is a word that it can be compared to.
You guys have noticed that last year I did not made many videos and the reason as to why, it’s because I I felt lost.
It’s interesting to look back & to admit to myself that I was to some degree depressed & unmotivated to progress (funny because I talk and write a lot about motivation & not having excuses yet I am a victim of what I fight against – I guess I knew this subconsciously so I told myself why bother to write about improving your life when mine is simply static and not moving right now – which was a huge mistake)
Even tough last year I felt very passive, I did create several training programs, workouts, but all of these projects where not completed or released (I have lots of rough drafts, video ideas, workouts & they will all come to life in the weeks to come)
At this exact moment, I don’t feel lost or depressed anymore – those emotional demons I’ve being fighting with have left (but I know they are not gone)
One of my mentors Elliott Hulse describes how we have anabolic & catabolic cycles in life – you can’t have anabolic without being catabolic first.
I felt that last year I was forcing myself to be anabolic (i.e. to be productive & creative) when these actions cannot be forced, they just have to be allowed and be let.
My best work has always been done when I allow myself to feel “possessed” – when I have an un-describable energy where I just am and am doing – an state of flow.
This state is something that I’ve tried to describe & show in the past trough my workouts – where you just workout in the moment because your body feels like moving, not because you are forcing yourself to move – it’s a moment where you allow yourself to be movement itself.
This workout happened in that state of just being:
Forcing myself to be happy:
I read and listen to various books last year and one of the things that screamed to me in terror is that I was always forcing myself to be and feel positive – to bury negativity & force myself to smile even when I didn’t want to.
One of the books that made me realize this was “Fear of Life”
I don’t remember the exact page or quote that highlighted this, but the book talked about just letting emotions happen. If you feel sad be sad, if you are happy be happy, if you feel sexual be sexual BUT don’t be ashamed of how you feel and try to suppress your feelings – just let them be.
This gave me a huge slap n the face since it made me realize that I have always felt bad for not being Mr. Positivity 24/7 & it gave me permission to welcome “bad” & “sad” emotions & stop feeling ashamed of them.
I highly recommend that book – it will make you really uncomfortable as you will be exposed to exploring your own self, emotions and your habits that have been developed since childhood & give you insight as to why you are the way you are so you can change them.
This mindset alone, of letting my emotions just be has relieved a lot of pressure from myself & has allowed myself to be less judgmental and more welcoming.
How I Pushed Those Demons Away:
I’ve talked in the past about just moving and letting things fall into place – to take action and learn from experience, like how I describe in this video:
“Clarity comes from Taking Action NOT Thoughts!”
For the past 5 years I have been working out outdoors and at my home gym, but since last year I felt that it was time for a change even tough that I wasn’t entirely sure on what specific change.
I had created an identity for myself as being a guy that workouts at home or outdoors – no excuses. And to some degree I did not want to let this identity go therefore I decided to keep working out at home – to force myself to do it.
My workouts started to suffer: my intensity wasn’t there anymore, I was just going trough the motions and was bored – I was just doing something to do it.
During this past year I did not make much progress (strength & muscle wise) simply because I wasn’t in love with training.
About a month ago, I was reading Zach’s Encyclopedia of Underground Strength and Conditioning & he describes how he had a period in his life when he was depressed, didn’t make progress at the gym, he wasn’t even excited to train anymore.
That’s exactly how I felt and it resonated with me a ton. His turning point was the realization that he wasn’t gonna go anywhere feeling that way and it was time to man up – he joined a bodybuilding contest and the competition lit up the training spark once again.
For me what I was missing back from my workouts was a feeling of community, I needed an environment where I was gonna be at war with other warriors.
I don’t remember exactly what page in the book made me wanna do this but I decided to finally join a gym again.
My friend had joined this power-lifting and strongman gym not too long ago & I knew the place was awesome since I did a trial workout there before, but I didn’t sign up because I told myself that I had work so I wouln’t have too much time & the place wasn’t close to my house.
Like Zach I realized that I wasn’t going anywhere by just feeling and being the passive way I was, I needed to be surrounded with other people that where committed to being strong, even if I was gonna be the weakest there, I knew that things where only gonna progress quickly because of the environment, so I signed up 2 days after realizing this.
It’s been almost 1 month since I joined & I am glad I did. I am finally making constant strength and muscle gains again + my outlook on life is that of just moving forward.
There have been days that I feel tired and don’t wanna wake up but I do it anyways because I don’t want to be weak anymore. This is my first time actually training for power-lifting & my CNS is barely starting to adapt to the constant heavy weights & I’ve always had an interest in strongman so I am having a lot of fun with the training. More than anything thanks to the training my mind is shifting to stop over-analyzing everything and just taking action.
I still love at home & outdoor workouts – they get me fired up, but being part of a gym was something I’ve been missing and craving for a long time.
You might be in a similar situation with your training, so I hope that my experience resonates & helps you get out of that training rut.
If you get anything from this rant is to just workout, to just move even when you don’t want to – force your body to move, get in tune with your self physically & your mentality for life will change for the better. – This is something that you will only understand once you actually start moving regularly so don’t think about it Just Do It.
If you want to change your emotions then you gotta get in motion – there is a reason why it is spelled E-MOTION
I have so much more to share but I’ll stop for now…
What’s the point of writing all of this?
My original intention was to share my feelings & realizations that are stuck in my mind, but to my surprise as I was writing this post learned more about myself than I was aware of.
I know that you like me have experienced some similar downs and slaps in the face in your own life. And I want to remind you that you are not alone – not everyone’s life is sunshine, rainbows & constant strength gains all of the time. Shit happens to everyone, learn from it & keep moving forward.
You currently might be fighting some emotional demons (even if you are not entirely aware of them) that are holding you back from making progress, and I want to help you overcome & make you aware of this.
I am not entirely sure how I can do that besides talking to you to try to bring out the roots of whats holding you back (childhood traumas, bad habits that lead to unwanted actions, negative or super-positive self talk, etc)
I am not an expert on this at but I want to help you in some level so if this is of interest to you email me: beastlifestyle [at] gmail.com with subject line: “emotional demons” and lets set up a coaching call to talk about overcoming your obstacles.
That’s it, I’ve written too much, drop a comment below.
Attack Life & Get Stronger
- Luis Carrillo
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